Swirly Girl

merry christmas

2011-12-25T18:14:00.000-08:00

toy deer says merry christmas!

happy anniversary

2011-12-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

today was our anniversary.

we did our usual...

nothing.

husband brought home a pizza for his supper.

i cannot eat that pizza due to something used to treat the vegetables to keep them "fresh".

but he offered anyway.

i was listening to a video on the computer.

he thought i was talking to him and said "what?"

i said i didn't say anything. it doesn't pay.

he says "it doesn't pay?"

"no" i replied.

"you don't listen to me anyway."

case in point.

i haven't been able to eat pizza with "vegetables" on it for years.

and i know i have told him this many many times.

but what does he bring home?

happy anniversary our eldest says as he sees it on his phone.

i say "doesn't matter."

kinda' like me...

deer camp

2011-11-28T05:34:00.000-08:00

my house has turned into a deer camp.

four men who can't wipe their feet, cannot hang up anything, leave bullets and guns and boots and jackets everywhere.

why is it my men all get this week off from their jobs and even get to collect unemployment for it?

wtf is wrong with this world?

when do women get a 9 day "vacation" to do as they please and collect a check in the end?

it infuriates me and even more so

the mess they leave behind!

it will take me forever to clean this

mud off the floor, crap off every flat

surface of the house.

yesterday it was bullets off the window

sill.

really?

i hate living in a man cave and that is

what this dump has become.

i worked the whole stretch they were home

and that is a good thing because i think i

would have absolutely lost it being here.

no, really.

i think this whole deer hunting this has

gotten way out of hand.

why is it more important than a job or

school or your wife?

but it is over with for another year and

maybe i'll have the place put back together

before next year but don't hold your breath.

why bother...

cleaning around here is like nailing jello

to a tree...

pay day

2011-11-12T05:46:00.000-08:00

you know what?

if you want to not be

viewed as a paycheck

then be more than a

paycheck.

l-i-s-t-e-n

2011-11-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

any asshole can hear.

it takes caring to actually listen.

it's my party

2011-10-11T20:22:00.000-07:00

it is my birthday.

the big 5-0.

no one remembered.

not even hubby.

for his 5oth we went to a packer game.

mine?

zip.nada.nothing.

i am invisible.

(not even the red hat bs my friend is

into that i always support her in.

what a disappointment!)

dear daddy

2011-04-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

dear daddy,

it has been a year today since
your passing.

so many emotions, thoughts, anger,
frustration, grief, love, wishful thinking,
gratefulness have come and gone
through it all.

mom is having a hard time at times
which is understandable but a little bit
confusing too since you made her life
not always so happy.

but she is seeing the happy parts and
is finally able to share them with us.

i mean, i never heard how you guys were engaged before.

i never heard so many of these stories.

mom even finally found the photographs she thought you threw
away but instead most likely lovingly put them in books to keep
them from curling.

thank you for that.

it is nice to see happy times, to know there were happy times.

and there were.

i remember them but then again am reminded by my siblings
who saw more of the bad side of you than i did.

they don't understand i had you for myself for the first six
years of my life.
and that we were best buds.

but then brother one came, responsibilty knocked on the door
and things changed.

but now i realize you did the best you knew how and much of
the problem was the alcohol, not you.

mom told me i am so much like you, impulsive, fun-loving,
bold and silly.

i wish i had gotten to see more of that with you.

i wish my kids could have seen the man i knew.

i miss you daddy and so does mom.

the rest, i am not sure. they don't talk much.

but i suspect you are watching over us sometimes.

thank you for being my dad.

i'd not be who i am if it weren't for you.

i miss you...

i am tired

2010-11-29T09:05:00.000-08:00

i am tired

sometimes i am really
tired of living.

does everyone feel this way
at some point?

what is my purpose?

i seemed to have fulfilled my job
of raising kids and my husband
doesn't seem to need me but once
in awhile if you get my drift.

why is it i seem to need him more
than he does me?

i am not in love.

i am in loathe.

my therapist told me i would know
when it was time to call it quits~
that none of it would matter anymore.

i am not there yet.

i am just in anger mode.

last week i threw my hands in the air
and told him i am done trying to make
this work, it is his turn.

so far nothing.

what do i want out of him?

conversation.

last i looked words were free.

caring.

when he left me for four days so see
family down south and
i was having car trouble and needing
to work did he care?

no, my smart ass kid smarted off to
me on the phone so i called my "useless"
(husband's word) neighbor who came to
my aid on thanksgiving day in 12* and
20mph winds to help.

for two days a man from work called to
see how i was doing.

i cried for two days over it.

missing my dad who died in april,
knowing he would never treat me so
crudely.

i am not there yet but i swing between
wanting to just pack my bags and driving
until i can't drive anymore to feeling absolutely
nothing, dead.

dead would be easier.

i don't know what else to do.

is this normal?

psycho friend

2009-10-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

psycho friend

all my friends are
psycho.

so i decided that
since i seem to attract
these sorts of people
it was time to start
over.

first step was to realize
i let them all use me as
a doormat.

funny how i love to do
things for people, to help
out when i can.

yet when it comes time
for me to ask for help no
one is around.

something is wrong with
this picture.

karma isn't doing her thing
or i am doing something that
is not allowing her to.

i have a friend, her name is
sue.

she lives in my old hometown
and was my best friend for many
years.

i didn't stop to see her when i
went home but i did drive past
her home.

sue was the first friend i had who
once told me to never call her again.

after fifteen years.

she had her drinking buddies and
i had my kids.

it was a couple years later that we
moved away and i erased her from
my list.

suddenly out of the blue she calls
and tells me i am her only friend.

omg.

i was very distrusting and wouldn't
open up to her.

a few years passed and she calls
again.

i am not a phone person.

i prefer letters or email but she isn't
one to use these sorts of methods.

so she calls.

she's sick, she's crippled, she's in an
unhappy marriage.

she's sneaking around seeing psychics.

here it comes...

can i take her to the black hills?

i said sue, i wanted to go to the black hills
in eighty five but you refused.

oh i don't remember that she says.

i wish i had said yes.

then she goes into how she knows in
a past life she was a native american and
a psychic told her she died at wounded knee.

of course another psychic told her she is
an alien with a chip in her lower back that
is communicating with the mother ship or
some such thing.

anyway, then she goes on to say it all
started coming back to her when i had
taken her to our powwow.

this is twenty years ago!

now, from what i recall i asked her to
join me in a circle dance and she refused.

she didn't seem comfortable so to hear
this just floored me.

so anyway, now she wanted me to take
her to the black hills this year and i said
i can't just go like that, i need time to
get money together and find a car to
rent, plot a path and all that nonsense.

she's called me once more since about it
but now it has been a few months.

so i emailed her and told her i found a
car for cheap and if she still wants to go
let's get planning.

well now she is whining that her husband
thinks it is a waste of money.

of course he doesn't know the true reason
behind it, the psychic end of it, so i can see
where he'd think that.

i told her blame me, say it is my trip (he
likes me) and i want her to come along.

so see what happens.

but as usual i have to take the reins
and do all the work.

things haven't changed in that regard
but i am truly interested in this psychic
thing and would love to just go along with
it.

my husband and family all know about
it and laugh but she is serious and i would
certainly enjoy the trip and sightseeing.

i haven't heard back since.

so we shall see...

return

2009-10-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

return

i went home for
three days.

back to see my old
hometown, one i haven't
seen in fourteen years.

i hated that town.

it was dead and full of
people who just don't
get it.

turns out i was the misfit.

story of my life.

always the outsider but now
i know that is just my lot in
life as an old soul.

anyway, i didn't recognize
hardly a thing!

the quiet hilly two lane road
i used to ride my bike on is now
a four lane highway lined with stores
we would only see in the city.

the quiet avenue i used to ride
my horse on is narrow and dangerous
looking now when it used to appear
wide and safe.

the fields and woods i roamed are
now subdivisions with only the memories
of picking owl pellets, filling our bellies
with mulberries and being chased by
the "old ghost", the farmer up the road.

the sad thing is that now i see it and
think "i maybe should have stayed."

did i do the wrong thing in insisting
on moving north?

was i just too impatient and short
sighted?

what a realization on my part and
not a good one...

my father, an alcoholic who has/had colon
cancer just lives in the living room and in
some ways hasn't changed one bit.

i dreaded going back because of him.

he makes me feel like a small five year
old and now that i am not that skinny
girl anymore and he has his way of making
one remember they are fat, i dreaded it.

how selfish and self centered of me :(.

but really, it all went fine and i even kissed
him goodbye when i went to leave.

something i haven't done since i was a little
girl.

i am realizing as much as i wanted to
get away from them all when i left home
at seventeen they are now all i have in
this world that matters.

whodathunk?

silent power

2009-10-08T07:13:00.000-07:00

silent power

i have decided
i do not care.

my therapist
said when i say i don't
care that i really do...

i don't know
if i agree because
it has become such
a struggle that i need
to toss it to the wind
and not care.

my problem was,
is,
i felt out of control.

but i have come to
the conclusion i am
not in control.

the universe is in control
and it can have it!

funny how since i do not
care anymore husband is
suddenly coming around.

but for now he is too late.

i am going to need to see
more than a inkling here
and there before i believe
it is true.

i just do not care anymore.

i can't care.

it is killing me.

last sunday he asked if i
wanted to go out for breakfast.

really, i didn't.

but i feel i need to say yes
because he never ever takes
me out.

ever.

i learned early in this marriage
not to ask be be taken out.

the one and only time i did
he threw a ten dollar bill at
me and told me if i wanted to
go, then here, go.

i am reading stuart wilde's books
on silent power.

i quit talking.

i quit asking, quit expecting,
quit telling.

zipped the lip.

silent power.

the wall

2009-09-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

the wall

a rare moment this
morning.

i was talking to husband
as he asked me where i went
yesterday.

as i told him of the fun and
sights of the oktoberfest, in
mid-sentence he started talking
to the cat.

i was stunned and stopped and
just sat there silent.

he said a few more words to the
cat and then was silent for a minute, got up
and went outside.

not a word.

no indication that i had
been saying anything at
all.

just like that.

talking to a wall is more
fulfilling as at least the wall
doesn't give the illusion that
it is listening.

fool

2009-09-17T05:45:00.000-07:00

fool

fool me once shame on you.

fool me twice shame on me.

god i am one huge fool as i
believe what you tell me.

you wouldn't say things you
don't mean would you?

why do you break my
heart?

the thread that ties

2009-09-16T04:32:00.000-07:00

the thread that ties

i am a product of my
mother and she is a
product of her mother.

when i last visited with my
mom i asked her how she
could possibly be married
to someone who is so disconnected.

my dad is an alcoholic and not
always a nice one which has
scarred us all.

her only answer was one day
at a time.

i come from a long long line of
very strong women.

women have been forced to rule
the roost for generations and we
take it upon ourselves to do so
when the men don't pick up the
reins themselves.

my mother has been a mother
to her siblings since she was eleven
as their dad walked out on them leaving
a wife and five kids to fend on their
own.

then there is my dad, the golden boy
who had all the woman and all the
luck and never had to work for anything.

it caught up with him with his dull
existence revolving around booze
and work.

his job often took him out of town
for weeks and so my mother had to
step up to take care of us.

and he'd come back a stranger despite
me as a kid trying to involve him in
things with us.

he was more content to sit in front
of the tv in his recliner and drink.

my dad was brought up by a strong
and most likely overbearing woman.

she didn't marry until forty and then
had two kids.

she was the eldest of sixteen kids on
a farm in canada.

she was the head nurse at the hospital
and worked all her adult life as a public
health nurse for the reservations and
in the hospital

she ran a tight ship.

the only photo of my great grandmother
are of a tough scottish woman with a ton
of kids, not a hair out of place.

or her sitting on the porch with a shotgun.

that is how i feel when i am the one
who gets up in the middle of the night
when the chickens are being attacked
by raccoons or bats are flying in the house
and my husband is 'ignoring' it all.

get up and take care of it because he
is afraid.

so much for the man in his red long johns
running to the door to protect his family
and property.

that is one more myth created by
hollywood.

in reality it was the woman because
she had to.

flowers

2009-09-14T03:57:00.000-07:00

flowers

i never get any flowers
or gifts for that matter.

husband doesn't believe
in 'wasting' money on such
frivolities.

he used to do small things
while we dated but now i
don't even get a happy birthday
or merry christmas or happy
valentines day in words.

i guess words are costly too.

it took me, oh, seventeen years
to finally accept this is how it is.

so i quit expecting and anticipating.

i am apparently not worth the effort
and to make two wrongs a right i quit
doing anything for him too.

he hasn't noticed.

now sometimes i think if i died would
he even care?

probably be glad to get rid of me.

i often wonder why it is people
wait until their beloveds are dead
before they show any sort of affection.

graves are beautifully maintained with
baskets and flowers and trinkets but
what about before they passed?

flowers on my grave do not do anything
to brighten up my life.

flowers on my grave are too late.

eating out alone

2009-09-13T17:08:00.000-07:00

eating out alone

there was a time
when a woman wouldn't
be caught dead eating
out alone.

or so i am told.

i started in my twenties,
when i had my first car,
an avacado green dodge dart
i paid seven hundred bucks for.

it started with the ponderosa
all you can eat breakfast.

i would go alone and eat until
i about burst, stuffing my lonliness
and isolation down.

eggs and sausage
and biscuits and gravy.
pancakes and waffles with
whip cream and strawberries.

then it was the fast food,
hardees, burger king, culvers
and dairy queen.

burgers, fries, ice cream,
onion rings and the infamous
cheese curds, deep fried.

after work last saturday i
decided to go to the city and
eat breakfast, lunch and dinner
since i hadn't taken the time in
the morning to eat or pack a lunch.

i don't feel i am worth it.

i stepped into my favorite culvers
and ordered my usual...

sourdough melt, double please.
fries, diet pepsi and a small
pumpkin shake, for here, thank you.

i then sat and ate it while looking
out the window at all the traffic.

an employee was on the patio, writing
feverishly in a notebook, once in
awhile glancing at her cellphone.

i could see her rounded cheeks lift
up in a smile as she wrote.

several times she did this and was
having a grand time alone in her own
little world, writing something that
made her happy.

i then looked at a thirty something
couple, sitting there, mute, the man
craning his neck to watch the counter
where food is ordered rather than putting
his attention where it belonged.

silent.

the woman, hands clasped in front of
her just looked around.

silent.

i recognized them as
my husband and i.

going out to eat used to be a treat
for the conversation but no more as
he tries to evesdrop on the neighboring
conversation or silently shoveling
food into his mouth while i sit there,
staring out the window.

silent.

it was then i realised i enjoyed going
out to eat alone for the conversation.

i could think about what i wanted to
not wondering what he is thinking of
or why he's not talking or what i can
say next to stimulate a what now has
become a meaningless exchange of words.

so yes, i eat out alone for the
conversation as it is as good as
it gets.

*****

edit: i drew this while watching the
movie "w".

it is my husband.

rage in paint

2009-09-13T06:34:00.000-07:00

rage in paint

when i went to my therapist,
up until my husband was laid off
for six months (we are one of the
fortunate insurance free here in these
great united states) she once told
me to express my anger, rage and
loneliness in my art.

for some reason i just cannot do it.

i see it as a waste of good paper or
canvas.

i see it as then what in hell do i do with
it?

no one wants to buy my flowers, why in
hell would they buy my despair and rage?

i want to draw and paint beauty and inspiration,
not fear, loathing and frustration.

but of course when i am in these places i
don't create anything at all.

hence the three year hiatus from drawing
anything.

personally i never thought i would pick up a
pencil, pen or brush ever again so even now i
am shocked that i am doing so.

as an artist i am not very salable.

i once created several pieces for a newly created
free clinic benefit and not one piece sold.

everyone else seemed to have sales but not
me.

it was disappointing.

you'd think i would get used to disappointment
when it comes to my art.

but then i was told my stuff is too 'out there'
for the sort of crowd that was there.

fifty years old and too out there.

ha.

anyway, today i just painted two more little aceo
pieces and if they turn out i may list them on my
new ebay account i created to separate my art from
my other stuff.

we shall see...

another day

2009-09-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

another day

it is no wonder i am a
nervous wreck.

i got talked to again today
but only long enough to be
told that i don't know what
i am talking about.

i tell you, sometimes i wonder
how a person as dumb as i am
could possibly have survived
this long on earth.

if i am as dumb as he makes me
out to be the i should have perished
years ago.

i told him if he is so damn smart then
he can go deal with the hospital and
their asnine way of billing.

he wants nothing to do with it until
they want his financial information.

he is so worried our son's accident will
cost him some money.

and as i sit there filling out paperwork
i get to say "i don't know. he doesn't
share this or that or the other thing
with me."

so either let me do it
or go do it yourself.

i am not going to be a go-between.

you trust what i do or go do it
yourself.

i don't need this extra stress.

i could let the kid fend for himself
and say to hell with it all but i am
not like that.

maybe i am too much of a mother.

i don't know.

one of those

2009-09-12T05:42:00.000-07:00

one of those

husband talked to me last night.

he talked to me, more than the four
sentences he has said to me all week.

yes, all week.

sometimes i make myself insane and
actually keep track.

he doesn't understand this makes me
crazy, home alone all day with no one
to talk to and he comes home and still
no one to talk to.

yes, most likely he's already said his
man limit of thirty thousand words at
his job but i haven't.

i have found myself getting quieter and
quieter.

when i go out with my girlfriends i come
home hoarse because i do not talk on a
normal day.

i'm turning into one of 'them'.

what boggles my mind is he doesn't even
notice that it eats me up inside.

and yes, i have told him many many times
but he's a man and he doesn't hear it or
take it seriously or care or whatever it is
that men do.

for years i put all my eggs in his basket and
i need to get them out!

i need to find my own freaking basket to
put them into and this is what this journey
is about.

meanwhile he talked to me and i was in
love again and we had sweet sex before
crashing for the night.

damn.

i don't want to be one of 'those' who are
abused, ignored and when given a little bit
of attention, melt!!!

dammit.

ten things

2009-09-11T16:30:00.002-07:00

ten things about me

yes sometimes it has to be
all about me.

twenty years of putting myself
last has finally caught up with
me.

sometimes i feel very selfish in
my need to feel special or wanted
or loved.

not having good role models leaves
me not knowing what real caring is.

but i don't think it is the day to day
silence here.

my kids and i can go on forever but
husband and i can go for a week and
not say two words to each other.

sometimes i think i need to be the one
to speak first but i have been the one
to do so for years and i am tired.

apparently he is totally content with
not saying a word to me and i suppose
that is ok.

according to dr. phil.

one dr. phil program had a guest couple.

she worked he was retired.
she was mad that the house was never
picked up.

dr. phil asked her who did the housework
when both worked and i am sure you know
the answer to that one.

as usual, the woman because it is her reputation
on the line if the house is a mess.

dr. phil said housekeeping wasn't the husbands
'thing'.

i know where she is coming from (as do the
majority of married women).

she expects him to pick up the job since he
is laying around all day eating the proverbial
bon bons and watching soaps.

the difference is chances are if she is at home
it is with children who don't allow bon bons
and soap operas.

but i digress.

i was a bit miffed at dr. phil for this response.

honestly, who asked me if i wanted to be a
housewife?

it doesn't come to me naturally either but i
gave it my best try and think i did a pretty
good job of making this a haven for my husband
and children.

what a joke when the shoe is on the other foot
such as when my husband was laid off six months
and i came home to not one meal cooked like he
got for nineteen years.

it took him being laid off five months before he
even did the dishes...
once.

i never knew anyone could lay around sleeping and
eating and reading newspapers like he could.

no one asked me if i wanted to do it.

it was just expected just like i expect him to get his
ass out of bed every morning and go to work.

you can't help around here and you can't help
raise the kids and you can't do anything but work
then don't be surprised when your value is boiled
down to work.

but i am just rambling so i will spare you
any more of this.

1. i am almost 48.
2. i used to want to be an artist but have lost the inclination.
3. i am a lifelong horse lover but husband didn't realize it until twelve years into the marriage.
4. my horses are all that keep me here most days.
5. my two boys are the best thing i ever did and i worked hard to make them good citizens.
6. i had a nervous breakdown which was the beginning of my midlife crisis.
7. i have no real girlfriends anymore.
8. i have a penpal half way across the country. she is my best friend and yet i know if we lived next door to each other chances are we'd not get along. we have been writing for sixteen years.
9. i am eighty pounds overweight.
10. i love patchouli.

wild

2009-09-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

wild

i should have seen it
from the beginning.

alone on our first wedding
anniversary.

one baby at the breast, another
inside of me.

eating the top of the wedding cake
just the three of us.
well actually, just me, through tears.

lonely and depressed i bought a book
by sark, succulent wild woman and felt
a little uplifted.

it had an exercise, cut out a star,
decorate it and write one word on it
that described yourself.

after much mulling i wrote "wild" and
put it on a string and hung it on the
mirror in the bedroom as a reminder.

inside i am wild but like a caged
animal, supress it so as i appear
tame and controlable and loveable.

that was how i felt as a wife and
a mother, the responsiblity of the
world and family with an absent
husband who would rather spend time
at his mothers than at home with us.

he came home and saw my star, let
out a huge scoff and said in his
demeaning sour way "wild, you?"

i was deeply hurt and then very
angry as i realized he really didn't
know me.

wild.

yes i am wild, wild as they come you
asshole but you just don't bring it
out in me.

and i don't want to share it with you
either because you make me sick and sad.

if only you knew what you were missing!

wild!

that is who i am!

full of joy and motion and oozing sexuality
like you will never see!

wild?

no, not with a duller than a doorknob husband
who would rather be gone
and leave the responsiblity of
a house, bills, animals and children on
my shoulders.

maybe i should have put "alone" or "lonely"
or "sad" on the star.

would he have noticed it then?

now my kids are adults and i am learning
that what is good for the gander is good
for the goose.

and allowing her to come out when it
is safe.

yes, i am wild and you don't know me
to judge me even after all these years.

the woman in the mirror

2009-09-10T08:14:00.001-07:00

the woman in the mirror

i catch a
glance at my reflection
wondering who that person is
looking back at me.

a shadow of my dreams of many
years ago as a vibrant young
woman full of life,
now dull and fat
and perpetually sad.

what happened?
where has my joy gone?

i stop and look again,
something i don't do too often
as i don't want to see her,
to be reminded of
what i have become.

the voices start...

god i am fat.
wtf happened?
who in hell can love
someone who looks like this?

does anyone?

i don't.
not today anyway.